Solo Performance – Jodie Connolly 2017

Okay, so Since creating the first piece of written material, i am happy, yet….

i have confused myself here with my angle. I have way too many ideas that i need to hone in! The influences have helped, yet i think the more i listen to… the more topics arise for me that i arise with and i’m loosing sight of what i actually want to address. And that is,

the fear of the future. 

FOCUS JODIE! I guess this is the point i am trying to make… about my overactive and creative mind… however i need to find my through line now. So i know i want an office scene… and i want to slip into a daydream… and i want other voices to influence me… so i think i have a direction now. I have found a song of which i think could accompany my daydreams in some way…

2. I MONSTER – Daydream In Blue (2013)

My idea for my piece consists of me sat at a desk, dazing out of the window. Music kicks in, i deliver a spoken word song / poem about my daydreams. What shakes me and wakes me up from these dreams is a projection of the words flashing ‘STOP FUCKING DREAMING’ accompanied by an alarm clock noise… and the day begins again, and i continue to daydream until authoritative voices come in and out, from other desks, i want the voice of my boss, and voices throughout my life that have said i need to settle down to come in and eventually kill my dreams. The daydreams eventually stop. To end, i will have listened to the voices, and the ability to daydream stops. I become robotised, a pillar to society. I wear grey suits and deliver perhaps a work conference speech, where the colour from my mind, clothes and voice become grey and monotonous, but i am congratulated for my efforts within the business world. I sit back at my desk, turn on the radio… and the song plays in the radio, which reminds me to still dream and the message to the audience should be clear.

What this means is, i need words that relate entirely to this concept, and to steer away from social media. What i can do, introduce voices that talk of the things in life that i see as unimportant. I have explored different texts now. I wrote another poem below:

When she was 2 she played in the dirt

As the sprinklers in the grass would spurt

She made sure that no small thing could get hurt

The things that you love are going to kill you

She said

And as that replayed in her head

She thought of the time she could have been dead

As she sit in the garden with jelly on her tongue

A wasp was lured in by the sun

And The

strawberry scent and how it hung

and then

Into the mouth, it stung and stung

I remember the ice lolly to sooth the pain

It was my sisters and she cried in vain

But I always remember the real shame

A wasp had died, and I was to blame

‘due to whats happened it is imperative that she does not get stung again and if she does she will need immediate emergency attention, as it is likely she will go into anaphylactic shock’

we flower pressed him under the word wasp in the dictionary

I never knew they had legs quite so hairy

I imagined he has a wife called mary and suddenly he didn’t seem so scary

The very next day I went back out

Into the garden I had no doubts

I picked up a wasp I just wanted a friend

It turned around and stung me again

I knew I was a forgiving child

With a heart that was made for the wild

Protector of insects that nobody loves

Maggot and worms I found in the shrubs

If you stood on a snail I would mourn for days

So sometimes when you catch me in a gaze

I’m not just having one of those days

I’m thinking about every different way

That I seem to be stuck in this phase, of life

It feels like I feel too much

Think too much, dream big and sink too much

On the brink, too much

And that’s why I think so much

About the simplest of things

Because when she was 14

life lessons began

Family, hearts and emotions ran

She would write down lyrics and paint and draw and act

There was something within the future of that

‘you’ve got to go into acting, girl you’ve got a talent’

‘you know you are gonna be famous, you are’

‘you know, one day youre gonna be a star’

If you just keep the dream in the near not far

 

When there’s so many things

For the lesson learned was one I still hold

To learn from things you have to be bold

I want to give my love to things

That respond to love with a harsh sting

I still love wasps just as much

But now I am much more weary to touch

But love regardless and that I do

Believe in people and believe in you

You can do whatever you want to do

The shape of your life is up to you

‘but what if I want to get away from it all,

Worry about the trees and the fall

And not about the kids at school or the teachers and tutors

2012

If you let too much get on top of you, you’re never going to make it

Listen ma I think I can take it

I got dreams and I know for my sake its

Not gonna matter if I get in a relationship

Its never going to ruin my plans

to give

a bit of my love to another man

Instead of

Putting my all into my passions

Chasing my dream will never go out of fashion

 

2. I MONSTER – Daydream In Blue (2013) Youtube Video added by Dharma Records. Available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhB6Lb7_kN8

I check my facebook page 7 times a day even though I hate the thought of social media

Open your encyclopaedia

I need to take myself away and discover the need and yeah

Im saying I want a world without it

sometimes I want to chuck my phone away and not have to think about it

if im liked or not or whether im like like liked

Or whether the person who does like me

out of the 78 likers on my page knows that they are participating in brutal scrunity,

Yes this may not be new to me

but I want to tell you truthfully

That the way in which our world now works is beginning to ruin me

Welcome to the world of nobody has any fucking idea who the fuck I am

I wanna be a lamb,

I feel like I know everybody and everybody knows me

but on the surface of a superficial water and it haunts me

cos when you look into the reflection you see whats there

and you can like it or love it or be angered or shocked or upset by it but its not you giving that reaction it’s not even an introduction of the person you are or they are

and like a mask we portray our fake feelings and an image that makes us feel accepted

or even rejected

and we let this be a judgement of the person weve elected

as a site for our eyes and pleasures

forgetting the treasures

of what is truly knowing somebody

I want somebody to dive in the water

Go deeper behind the surface

To give our lives a purpose

What happened to talking and meeting

Not greeting me with a

‘im friends with her on facebook’

Youre not my friend let me tell you that

Youre no friend of mine and I am not of yours

Ive seen you walking down the corridoors

and tried to smile and wave and like you in the real world but you pass me by

And I don’t remember the reason why

this became socially acceptable

For you to message me in another world

And comfort me with typed out words

The way this works just seems abserd

If you wont even look me in the eye in real life

This world is now the priority

If you wanna talk me at least call me

that’s where I feel like a fool see

I get angry with the idea of texting somebody Yet I do it

and im lost in this world of translucent feeling

what I type and talk is a true reflection and to me it has real meaning

But im attatching myself to a piece of tin

A metal lover, and its wearing me thin

I know it’s the way things are today but theres a real sadness in my heart that I feel

Everyday

And it makes me so inclined to say

‘fuck this life. Fuck whay you are doing to my brain. I want to move and destroy any means of communication’

because god only knows I would then realise my validation

and I could learn to meet people in the real way we were meant to,

connect combine and preach and vent to,

remember parts of your faces,

your expressions and your eye colour and how you move around spaces

without facebook reminding me that theyre quite clearly blue

just like your mother and your brother,

whos just recently broken up with his girlfriend of two years,

and it seems lately hes drinking beer through the tears

and ive seen hes liked a few girls photos recently

so that must mean hes ready to move on see

Its like hurt doesn’t really exsist online

it’s a fabricated love Its entertainment to the outsider of the reality of our lives

A humiliating break up full of sorrow and lies

becomes heightened to the point of a theatrical show

A thousand people sitting in the front row

Judging and consoling from their seats

Strangers and onlookers waiting to compete

for the next online relationship

The photos and poses,

the trips to rome and the rubbing of noses

Its not films that make us expect too much

Its facebook and Instagram and all that other stuff

That we have created and allowed to take over ,

Make sure you get that photo of the white cliffs of dover

As if it wasn’t beautiful enough you contour the view

Edit and refurbish people, places and you

There are mountains and beaches and places to see

But you’ve edited them to shit and now that’s ruined that for me

I feel my breath taken when I see natures view

There so many places I haven’t been to

Im happy up at the cathedral and I feel lucky to just see the moon

I appreciate all people and places and things

Because ive never felt lucky enough to deserve those things

and if the day comes that I achieve my dreams

of seeing any part of the world that makes my heart sing

It could be a small bench at the top of steep hill that captures the sun the moon and the birds and I would be truly lost for words

So when I see these posts of places that provoke a greater online reaction that that in the real moment

It just makes my heart shatter

For if I had wanted to experience the world this way

Then adventure would not matter

I know that I speak for the latter but I don’t know who I am

Because ive seen the photos, edited and illusionalised

And I have scorned at with these eyes

Because I envy and I fall in love

With sights, I couldn’t even dream of

But you take them and use them as a show

For likes and comments that tell you youre an inspo

 

 

 

Please like me, like like like me

But actually don’t, I want you to love me

For me

Be with me

Hear me see me hold me enjoy me

Because Jodie on Instagram that isn’t me

You can fall in love with that instantly

But then youll drift from me

And the girl with friend in common will post a photo of herself in perfect lighting with perfect clothes and a perfect frame

And we get sucked into this stupid game

Where were not supposed to feel like this is what is to blame

For our insecurities and sadness towards ourselves

Because no longer can we be wholly adored

When if fragments of ourselves are auctioned online for everyone to see

And your partner can look at, message and admire anybody in the world

At the click of a button, the swipe of a screen

And chances are they are better looking than you

So how am I supposed to say I don’t feel like fucking shit when it has become normal to be happy in a relationship

but respectfully follow like and pre other peoples photos,

Posing in bikinis the next best thing to pornos

And with this how could we ever compete

Unless we all decided to delete

To live

To wander

To dream

I know it would be obscene

To expect that to be something possible

The likelihood is inprobable

But im just exressing that I am sad

Im the happiest sad person

Because im happy I recognise this

And although I give in,

Im constantly sad until I meet somebody for the first time not over social media

Im just saying that I am sad

It all makes me sad

I feel and I feel and I feel and I want to continue to feel

With all integrity

I don’t want that taken away from me

From insecurity

Caused by those who intimidate me

With fakeness and portrayel and photos that get to me

And travellers diaries that cause me so much envy

They’ve done it so now why would we

Lets not do everything for popularity

Lets do it for purity

God knows lets do what we want to do

Chosing to lose time instead of doing what I like to do

And looking at a screen rather than what is right in front of you

I tend to daydream about a place where society doesn’t throttle you

And if im starting to besottle you

Then that’s good

You wanna wake up everyday and check your facebook page before checking that the people you love are okay then go on

But which one will you miss more when theyre gone

Okay so… i have decided to knock the monkey idea on the head. It’s all a bit… confusing.

ANYWHO, i have been listening to some spoken word poetry that has inspired my greatly to write my own piece!! HOORAY finally we have words!

and with many thanks to the following artists who have creatively shook my brain:

ANDREA GIBSON 

Andrea Gibson – Maybe I Need You | Sofar New York (2015)

I mean… how beautifully moving. Music to accompany poetry. And raw poetry at that, a story, a feeling… so simple. It is direct.

 

 Andrea Gibson – Panic Button Collector (2014)

Andrea Gibson – I Do (Studio Version) (2011)

I really don’t have a lot to say about her work besides absolutely inspiring and compelling and completely up my street!

There are so many poems by her that have inspired me, unfortunately i cannot seem to attach the file / poem ‘Puff the magic dragon’!!  This is terribly upsetting but you can access it on Spotify if you wish to listen to my main influence! I will relay some lyrics…

‘Do you remember believing in something more than this…

Do you remember believing.

This morning i woke to the sound of my whole life leaving, beneath the ding of my alarm clock…

a little black box that wakes me every morning with the stop fucking dreaming, stop fucking dreaming, STOP FUCKING DREAMING…

and i sat up and thought my god, when did we all stop believing? 

cos 20 years ago you never could have told me that story was true… that dragons live forever but not little girls and boys that painted rings and giants wings make way for other things like student loans and pap smears and rent and lunch breaks and beer, GOD IM SO TIRED OF BEER i wanna be high again, like we were when we were five. 

So i say, we track down the train that drove all the madness away. Start living our lives instead of just writing about them, standing around on stages and shouting about them “Hey Andrea wanna go on a hike?” “no no sorry i’d rather stay home and type metaphors about mountains and trees under the fluorescence of my computer screen”

JESUS CHRIST I USED TO BE A UNICORN you should’ve seen me fly! why cant we be unicorns now? …

See we, need to re-mother our natures see, stop just punching and punching the clock or one day the tick-tock of our lives are gonna stop and we’ll have no wings to show for it. So tell me, tomorrow, when your alarm clock wakes you to another tired morning and you can hear beneath the pound the sound of its whole life leaving, 

what are you gonna choose to believe in.”

I want to include the ‘STOP FUCKING DREAMING’ aspect somewhere in my piece and i want to express how my brain is constantly away with the fairies, wishing we were five again, wishing there was more to this life. Because, that is me. That is exactly how i feel. So what i have done is begun to write down whatever comes to my mind as i sit and think now, about what is bothering me. Using the influence from each poem above, my first spoken word poem will be entered in my next blog post. Stay tuned!

Andrea Gibson – Maybe I Need You | Sofar New York (2015) Youtube video added by Sofar Sounds. Available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g20xeqjt6bA

Andrea Gibson – I Do (Studio Version) (2011) Youtube Video added by Jonah Harper. Available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yWmGuTU34g

Andrea Gibson – Panic Button Collector (2014) Youtube Video added by E Mcburney. Available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOS2ohwDpyA

Dream Big
What do you
What do you want
In life
Where are you going
What are you gonna do with your life

This is not where I wanna be, I’ve got too many dreams on top of me
I cant stop thinking about,
Everything that persists on stopping me
Too many rules, too many faces
telling me that ive got to go different places
and I feel the embarrassment when I see other people putting me through my paces
come down from the clouds
as a child she would listen to the radio
singing every single song as she would go…

 

When she was 2 she played in the dirt

As the sprinklers in the grass would spurt

She made sure that no small thing could get hurt

The things that you love are going to kill you

She said

And as that replayed in her head

She thought of the time she could have been dead

As she sit in the garden with jelly on her tongue

A wasp was lured in by the sun

And The

strawberry scent and how it hung

and then

Into the mouth, it stung and stung

I remember the ice lolly to sooth the pain

It was my sisters and she cried in vain

But I always remember the real shame

A wasp had died, and I was to blame

‘due to whats happened it is imperative that she does not get stung again and if she does she will need immediate emergency attention, as it is likely she will go into anaphylactic shock’

we flower pressed him under the word wasp in the dictionary

I never knew they had legs quite so hairy

I imagined he has a wife called mary and suddenly he didn’t seem so scary

The very next day I went back out

Into the garden I had no doubts

I picked up a wasp I just wanted a friend

It turned around and stung me again

I knew I was a forgiving child

With a heart that was made for the wild

Protector of insects that nobody loves

Maggot and worms I found in the shrubs

If you stood on a snail I would mourn for days

So sometimes when you catch me in a gaze

I’m not just having one of those days

I’m thinking about every different way

That I seem to be stuck in this phase, of life

It feels like I feel too much

Think too much, dream big and sink too much

On the brink, too much

And that’s why I think so much

About the simplest of things

Because when she was 14

life lessons began

Family, hearts and emotions ran

She would write down lyrics and paint and draw and act

There was something within the future of that

‘you’ve got to go into acting, girl you’ve got a talent’

‘you know you are gonna be famous, you are’

‘you know, one day youre gonna be a star’

If you just keep the dream in the near not far

 

When there’s so many things

For the lesson learned was one I still hold

To learn from things you have to be bold

I want to give my love to things

That respond to love with a harsh sting

I still love wasps just as much

But now I am much more weary to touch

But love regardless and that I do

Believe in people and believe in you

You can do whatever you want to do

The shape of your life is up to you

‘but what if I want to get away from it all,

Worry about the trees and the fall

And not about the kids at school or the teachers and tutors

2012

If you let too much get on top of you, you’re never going to make it

Listen ma I think I can take it

I got dreams and I know for my sake its

Not gonna matter if I get in a relationship

Its never going to ruin my plans

to give

a bit of my love to another man

Instead of

Putting my all into my passions

Chasing my dream will never go out of fashion

 

 

i have been listening to my solo playlist on Spotify as I go day to day to get inspiration for the words within my piece. I am currently sitting in an internet café with it on in my ears, watching others go about daily routines, kids crying… laughter… eating, drinking etc. I am allowing the music to be an accompaniment to the waitress’ life. I am letting the words and lyrics relate to her inner thoughts. I imagine her coming out of this routine and time stopping, everything around her stopping, still as if a pause button and she comes out of her own mind and body, performs the song as an inner monologue… and then continues the job.

It is this aspect of inner thoughts and imagination – the realness behind what we present ourselves as.

I imagine, through the smiles, and sweet toned voice of the waitress is inner hurt. I begin to attach stories to her life. made up of course. I imagine… a break up the night before. I imagine, a past drug addiction. I imagine a miscarriage that only makes her bitter that there’s 6 children in here currently making a lot of noise, running around and saying cute things of which she flashes a staged smile and nods her head along to the mothers who share with her their woes and joys. Behind it all her heart is hurting, beating quickly as her stomach churns at the memory she tries to repress. and she gets on. “Thankyou ill bring those over in just a second okay?..* :)”

I hear lyrics that vary from serious topics, bad things in life, confronting these inner issues. I also hear the simplest day to day actions made into songs. Lilly Allen – Friday Night –

This song is purely about going to a club on a Friday night. she simply describes her journey, what she sees, what she does etc.

what I like is the humour within it all- serious or simple topics that play with humour, by the tone of the music or the topic.

I am struggling at this moment as to whether to have a serious topic, or a funny one. what I really want to do is to take on different voices / roles within the spoken song. like a conversational piece- lilly allen and kate nash at very good examples of this of which I have been studying intently. topics like love – but things like stalking and obsession, making light of the things that we all do and go through.

the ironic ‘oh yes I’m fine, everythings just wonderful, I’m having the time of my life’

(everythings wonderful – lilly allen)

this song is particularly interesting to me. lyrics that read:

oh jesus Christ almighty,

do I feel alright? no -not slightly

I wanna get a flat I know I can afford it

its just the bureaucrats that wont give me a mortgage

its very funny cos I got your fuc*n money and I’m never gonna get it just cos of my bad credit

….

why cant I sleep at night

don’t say its gonna be alright

I wanna be able to eat spaghetti bolognese

and not feel bad about it for days and days and days

all my magazines they talk about weight loss

if I buy those jeans I can look like kate moss

I know its not the life that I chose

but I guess its just the way that things go